Popular wisdom has it that you should never discuss money, religion, or politics around the dinner table or when meeting new people. There are times, however, when you’ll need to have a private chat about money with a family member or friend – and you’ll need the patience of a saint and the diplomacy of a politician to make your position clear without causing hard feelings.

Talking about money is uncomfortable enough when it’s about something minor like splitting a bill. But it becomes much harder when a spouse, a friend, an adult child, or even a parent is relying too much on you for financial support. If you’re at the end of your rope, it’s time to have ‘the talk’. Here’s how to do it without destroying the relationship or your bank balance.  

Time it right

This is not the kind of conversation to spring on someone during dinner, or while they’re juggling other emergencies. Find a calm, private moment when you’re both in a good frame of mind. It’s not a good idea to discuss important issues when either of you is hungry, angry, intoxicated, or upset.  

Start with common ground

Nobody wants to feel attacked, so approach the conversation calmly. Avoid finger-pointing and instead focus on your shared goals. Instead of saying: ‘You’re spending too much money,’ try something like, ‘I think we both want to be financially secure, so let’s figure out a budget together.’ This approach sets a tone for working towards a common goal and reminds the other person that you’re both on the same team.  

Know your numbers

It may be annoying to have to convince someone that you’re entitled to control how you use your own money, but you need to come to these conversations prepared with facts. Make a detailed list of how much you’ve already contributed and how much you can afford to help with, if anything.

Clear financial data helps take some of the emotion out of the conversation, making it less about feelings and more about facts. It’s easy to borrow ‘small’ amounts of cash constantly, but these can add up quickly. Seeing a total of how much they already owe you in black and white can be an eye-opener for both of you.  

Set clear boundaries

This is where you’ll need your inner diplomat. Be kind but firm: ‘I can’t keep covering these costs, but I want to help you figure out a solution.’ The key here is clarity. Vague statements like ‘I’ll see what I can do’ might feel easier in the moment, but they’ll only cause confusion (and more money problems) later.  

Boundaries aren’t about being mean – they’re about being fair to yourself and making sure you can take care of your own needs too. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.   

Be empathetic, but stand your ground

It’s normal to feel a little guilty when setting boundaries with someone you care about. But there’s a difference between being empathetic and being a pushover, so don’t cave in.

You can be honest without being confrontational: ‘I understand that this is tough for you, and I’ll try to support you in other ways, but I need to focus on my own financial responsibilities too.’ Try to balance kindness and firmness, so that you have a healthy conversation instead of a shouting match.  
 

Offer guidance, not handouts

You’re not a bank, or a superhero – and it’s okay to remind people of that. Instead of just saying no, suggest alternatives. Maybe they need help setting up a budget, finding a side hustle, or talking to a financial adviser. Point them in the right direction and let them take the next step. Think of it as the difference between giving someone a fish and teaching them to catch fish.

Prepare for pushback

Once someone is in a comfort zone, it can be difficult to get them to change, especially if this flow of cash has become the norm. You should expect some pushback and defensiveness, which could come in various forms – from avoidance and guilt-tripping to flat-out denial.

Stay calm, stick to your key points, and resist the urge to engage in a fight. If you feel tensions rising and find yourself going nowhere with the conversation, remove yourself from the situation. Remember, you don’t need their permission to stop supporting them.  

Stick to your guns

This is probably the hardest step of all, but once you’ve had the difficult conversation, you’ll have to follow through. If you’ve said you can’t lend them any more money, you can’t give in ‘just one last time’, because this will undo the work you’ve done. Consistency is key if you want them to take you seriously, and to maintain trust in your relationship.  

Why these conversations matter  

No matter how tactful you try to be, conversations around money will be uncomfortable. However, if you avoid them, you’re setting up bigger issues down the line that could damage both your relationship and your financial health. Be open and honest about the need to protect your finances, and you’ll create a healthier relationship that fosters mutual respect.  

Remember – it's not selfish to prioritise your own financial health, and you’re not the bad guy for wanting stability. It’s the responsible thing to do.  
 

Need a little help to manage your finances?  

At Nedbank, we understand how tricky money matters can be. That’s why we offer tools like MyPocket and advice through MoneyEdge, the Nedbank blog, and our money experts to help you budget, save, and plan your financial future. If you’re looking for ways to take control of your finances, explore our resources or chat to a financial adviser.  

With the right approach and a little help, you can turn even the hardest money conversations into a step forward.