When you think of romance, it’s often in the light of grand gestures, shared dreams, and mutual support. But sometimes, actions that seem caring or generous on the surface can conceal a darker intention. Financial abuse is a subtle but powerful form of manipulation and control that often hides under the guise of romance. While this is not true of all romance, understanding the distinction between genuine affection and abuse is critical to safeguarding your autonomy and well-being.

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse happens when your romantic partner exerts control over your finances to manipulate or dominate you. It’s not just about taking money – it’s about restricting access, creating dependence and undermining your overall financial independence.

For example, an abuser might:

• control all the financial decisions in the household, even minor purchases,
• withhold access to joint bank accounts, credit cards or other sources of money,
• demand that you account for every purchase you make, or
• sabotage your career opportunities or try to convince you to leave your job.

While financial abuse can happen in any relationship, women make up the largest percentage of victims. It goes without saying that the long-term effects can be devastating, limiting your ability to leave the abusive relationship and regain your independence.

Recognising the red flag

As previously mentioned, many of the behaviours associated with financial abuse start subtly and may even seem romantic at first, but there are some warning signs you can look out for.

Common red flags include:

• Insisting on managing all the finances 'to make life easier for you'.
• Discouraging you from working because they want to support you.
• Making comments on your spending or purchases.
• Giving lavish gifts with strings attached.

While initially framed as protective or caring, these behaviours can evolve into manipulation if they start limiting your ability or confidence in making personal financial decisions.

When romance becomes a trap

The lines between romance and financial abuse can blur, especially when societal norms and romantic fantasies come into play. Consider 'love bombing,' where someone showers you with attention, expensive gifts, and promises of security early in the relationship. While flattering, this behaviour can quickly lead to manipulation:

• 'I’ve done so much for you; you owe me.'
• 'You don’t need a job. I’ll take care of everything.'
• 'You’re bad with money; let me handle it.'

Similarly, the trope of a partner, often a man, wanting to 'take care of a woman' may initially look like chivalry or devotion. However, it depends on the man. In the case of financial abuse, the abuser uses ‘chivalry’ to create vulnerability and dominate your finances and autonomy.

How to spot the difference

To spot the difference between romantic gestures and controlling behaviour, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is there mutual respect? Genuine care involves valuing your independence and input, especially regarding shared financial decisions.
   
   
2. Do you have open conversations about money? A healthy relationship thrives on transparency and planning together, rather than secrecy or one-sided control.
   
   
3. Does your partner encourage independence? A supportive partner will celebrate your autonomy, whether it’s earning your own income or making financial choices.

In contrast, if a partner’s actions feel stifling or make you question your ability to manage your finances, it may be time to reassess the relationship.

Seeking help

Recognising the signs of financial abuse and understanding how they can masquerade as romance is the first step towards protecting your independence and building healthier, more balanced relationships. To take the next step, contact a Nedbank financial adviser for any financial planning and advice you may need on 0800 555 111.

If you or someone you know are experiencing abuse at the hands of an intimate partner, call People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) for support.

Helpline: 011 591 6803